Collection of totally offensive jokes, not for the faint hearted : funny
http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7rxyh/collection_of_totally_offensive_jokes_not_for_the/

This would make for an interesting taxonomy of tastelessness: * Racist jokes * Dead baby jokes * Sexual jokes * Domestic violence jokes * Catholic priest jokes * Taboo jokes * Jokes about tragedies I thought this one was particularly funny: Q: Why don't people tell jokes about Jonestown? A: The punchline is too long.

Funny letter sent to Richard Branson complaining about the good on a Virgin flight

Have you ever wanted to write award-winning television, don't own a computer, typewriter, or pen, and yet are somehow reading this? Well, you're in luck! Just follow this simple guide, selecting

opskrift på hvordan man skruer et afsnit af House MD sammen

This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

"...by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation."

CUSTARD RICHARD CUSTARD

virgin airlines food,fuckin' funny

Pointy haired boss -lainauksia, oikeasti.

share

http://clusterstock.alleyinsider.com/2009/2/aig-implodes-the-two-cows-version

Bill Maher's take on the current state of world religion.

Russian lolcats

English Translations of Eastern Bloc Lolcats

Funny "translated" lolcats.

English translation of eastern bloc lolcats.

Over the years, I’ve collected some of the smartest-yet-funny software development quotes I have read. Here’s the current short list in no particular order. Oddly enough, there are thirteen of them and they all address the woes of programming.

“Nine people can’t make a baby in a month.” - Fred Brooks

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.” - Rich Cook

うわぁ…

Paul should be on this list.

image

sucks

8 Racist Words You Use Every Day. Happy MLK day! You're a racist!

Have you ever worried that, no matter how hard you try, you'll just never be racist enough? Well, you're in luck. As it turns out, you've been unconsciously using racial slurs your entire life! Slurs like...

ah....the noble fourth estate!

In the scale of embarrassing place names, Crapstone ranks pretty high. But Britain is full of them. Ask the residents of Titty Ho, North Piddle, Spanker Lane or Penistone.

Eagle ($250/month) – Users get 500 character limit, 1000 extra random followers, 3 celebrity followers of their choice, 5 hours on recommended list each month, Twitter Concierge for Tweeting while user is asleep or busy (and more), auto-spell check, "Fail Whale" tuxedo, custom "Fail Whale" page when service is down.

Twitter co-founder and CEO Evan Williams today announced part of the company's long-awaited business model: Twitter Premium accounts.

HA!

thanks emily

win

Reminds me of the time some kids used weed killer to draw a penis on the football field of Stoney Creek High School.

Hilarious! But not for the parents

penis

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

matter

Chet

This is hilarious. I immediately tried to figure out the best ways to describe them to someone, because that's what I do.

These email addresses made me laugh

Funny.

OMG first successful transatlantic air flight wow, pretty cool! Boring day otherwise *sigh*

'...Currently, 17.8% of all Twitter traffic in the United Kingdom consists of status updates from Stephen Fry..'

Consolidating its position at the cutting edge of new media technology, the Guardian has announced that it will become the first newspaper in the world to be published exclusively via Twitter.

Consolidating its position at the cutting edge of new media technology, the Guardian today announces that it will become the first newspaper in the world to be published exclusively via Twitter, the sensationally popular social networking service that has transformed online communication. The move, described as "epochal" by media commentators, will see all Guardian content tailored to fit the format of Twitter's brief text messages, known as "tweets", which are limited to 140 characters each. Boosted by the involvement of celebrity "twitterers", such as Madonna, Britney Spears and Stephen Fry, Twitter's profile has surged in recent months, attracting more than 5m users who send, read and reply to tweets via the web or their mobile phones.

April 1- so it begins

The Guardian moves to publish exclusively on Twitter. Fools.

Googles aprilfools joke

Googles April Fools Day Joke

Happy April 1st!

Even more from Google, and even sillier

Posted 2009-04-01.

Gmail AutopilotTM by CADIE The easiest email could possibly be. As more and more everyday communication takes place over email, lots of people have complained about how hard it is to read and respond to every message. This is because they actually read and respond to all their messages. Sample Autopilot responses Respond to business proposals Manage relationships Match your personal style

Everyone has annoying habits, and a sizable part of every successful marriage is learning to live with those things each other does that annoy you. I think it's safe to

Using "frak," or Klingon, or both, instead of regular swear words

Check this out

market for news that circumvents government control but, as we have found out, rumor mills like to fill inf

April fool's joke, or Google's Next Big Thing? You decide.

(from Zac Malmquist) If any of you used Google on April 1, then you may have stumbled across this announcement from Google - Happy April Fools Day.

Cognitive Autoheuristic Distributed-Intelligence Entity

Google introduces first distributed intelligence entity. First thing it does, posts a wicked annoying blog. http://bit.ly/HycW [from http://twitter.com/AdamPieniazek/statuses/1429695012]

Google's April Fool's joke for 2009 - they launched an AI, which behaves exactly like a 12-year-old girl. Her homepage looks like a geocities page, and she's "enhanced" every google app with some hilarious features, including 3-D glasses for Chrome, and an autoreply feature for Gmail.

Antidote n°1 : Ne pas avoir peur Antidote n°2 : Contester systématiquement Antidote n°3 : Voter Antidote n°4 : Changer d'adresse IP Antidote n°5 : Le Streaming Vidéo Antidote n°6 : La Musique en ligne Antidote n°7 : Le P2P sécurisé Antidote n°8 : Les sites de stockage en ligne Antidote n°9 : Neutralisation du Logiciel Espion d'HADOPI Antidote n°10 : Propagez massivement ces antidotes.

highDEA (high idea) (pronounced: hi-de-a) An idea or insight a person has when they are high. For the duration of being high, it is a truly profound, original, and useful idea, but turns out the next day to make no sense, or be of any use whatsoever (kinda like this site).

the best ideas (while you're high)

"Bus with a pizza oven in it: Get bus and equip it with an oven. When people order a pizza, you start baking it on the way to the house. Pizza will be delivered piping hot, and faster than a regular delivery outfit."

BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.

awesome

# 25TH HOUR: White New Yorkers commit crimes against both law and ethics; feel bad for being caught, rather than for doing it at all. # 300: Gays kill blacks. # 8 MILE: White man successfully coopts black culture to impress other whites. # A CIVIL ACTION: Underqualified lawyer doesn’t listen to clients, royally botches case. # A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES: Social deviants make life difficult for genius. # A CRY IN THE DARK: Dogs eat baby, confusion follows. # ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus. # ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications. # AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON: Tourist causes riot. # ATLAS SHRUGGED: Selfish industrialist destroys economy. # AUNTIE MAME: Spinster exposes child to sexual fetishists, socialists; thwarts marriage to good Republican girl. # BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill. # BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm Syndrome. # BENJI: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-coun

I wish I was this funny

You know a phenomenon has gone mainstream when it's spoofed on YouTube.

Encontramos un video en internet que está dando que hablar. No es una iniciativa real, es más bien una parodia, pero quizás sin proponérselo está promoviendo pensamiento creativo al respecto, y quien sabe si alguien ya se está inventando una manera de aplicar este concepto (chistoso) a la realidad

As Twitter-mania reaches new levels, Slate V presents a mockumentary about a company that wants to take microblogging to the next level.

best comment in source code you have ever encountered?

My First Dictionary

postcard

Quite funny, you call it black humour..

Learn new words and how to use them in day-to-day situations!

Jak zniechęcić pracownika ;)

Hier erfahrt Ihr, ob Ihr bereits die Schweinegrippe habt.

The ghost of Arthur's creepy great, great uncle starts following Merlin around and making lewd comments. Fortunately — or unfortunately — only Merlin hears him most of the time.

“You want me to rob a grave?” Merlin asked, appalled.

There's no-one to be seen, but Merlin still hears some disturbing comments, focusing mainly on his sex life: "You’re a queer virgin?! I can’t believe it! Actually, I can, which is even sadder.” Now THIS!! Is made of awesome! It gives you some good laugh and offers hawt porn - what else can you ask for?

The ghost of Arthur's creepy great, great uncle starts following Merlin around and making lewd comments. Fortunately — or unfortunately — only Merlin hears him most of the time. Summary: “You want me to rob a grave?” Merlin asked, appalled.

The one with the match-making ghost.

ironische/sarcastische citaten van Mark Twain

I was amusing myself by imagining Kirk attempting to be an authority figure and this is what happened.

Chekov rolls his eyes and then enunciates very clearly, like he’s speaking to someone a little bit slow, and sometimes he really does wonder about Sulu. “I punched a superior officer in the face!”

"If people just went around punching superior officers because they were assholes, there would be anarchy, and I’d be very bruised.” [ I would have loved it for this fragment alone, but the rest of the fic is equally good. It's gen, with some UST running around]

Kirk learns to deal with the necessities of command. This story has a great Kirk voice, and it also features my personal favorite, Chekov - and a Uhura who isn't taking any bullshit!

Kirk slouches in his chair and sighs. McCoy will give him this; the man is a champion at slouching. There’s something about the way he slouches that seems to be saying, ‘I could be sitting straight, but the universe just couldn’t handle the awesomeness of me being fully upright in this chair.’ It’s a lot to say in just the way he sits. It’s impressive.

Kirk attempts to be an authority figure and McCoy mocks.

I was amusing myself by imagining Kirk attempting to be an authority figure and this is what happened. Gen, with a brief moment of Kirk's POV on Spock/Uhura which is absolutely hilarious.

In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they’re not. - Yoggi Berra

I liked : "Writing the first 90 percent of a computer program takes 90 percent of the time. The remaining ten percent also takes 90 percent of the time and the final touches also take 90 percent of the time. " - N.J. Rubenking

put these in a random quote generator

because I enjoy nightclubs less than I enjoy eating wool. But a glamorous friend of mine was there to "

Charlie Brooker: I'm convinced no one actually likes clubs. It's a conspiracy. We've been told they're cool and fun; that only 'saddoes' dislike them.

Brooker is god and right about everything.

"Clubs are such insufferable dungeons of misery, the inmates have to take mood-altering substances to make their ordeal seem halfway tolerable."

hahahahaha

Cheese of Nazareth is such a great name.

funny complaining letter to rich about the worst meal somebody appears to have been expected to eat in their entire lives...

Look at this Richard. Just look at it:

This is a letter recently received by the Virgin Atlantic customer complaints team and is currently being hailed on news blogs, such as this one on The Telegraph as possibly the funniest customer complaint letter ever.

mdenny: RT @wmacphail: I love this complaint letter to Virgin http://is.gd/hpLv

Hilarious complaint letter to Richard Branson of Virgin Airlines.

Tweeting Too Hard - Tired of people posting nothing but pretentious tweets about themselves? Give them the recognition they deserve and give the rest of us a good laugh.

m.don This has never happened to me, all clients are accommodating and understand the flexible and changing needs of all the factors, including market, technology and business priority.

"so you're gonna show us how we can make it on our own at home, k?"

Hilarious YouTube video

Uther periodically sends his knights to takeover bordering unprotected land. On one such outing, Arthur attacks Ealdor and claims Merlin for his piece of the loot.

"Sorry if I'm not very good at being pillaged," Merlin spits back. "I'm sure I'll get better with practice."

Uther periodically sends his knights to takeover bordering unprotected land. On one such outing, Arthur attacks Ealdor and claims Merlin for his piece of the loot... sort of.

The village of Ealdor is embarrassingly easy to conquer. Just a handful of peasants, no protection from Cenred at all. It leaves Arthur still keyed up for a fight that didn't happen. He has the villagers assembled before him and looks them over with a critical eye from the vantage point of his mount. They're a motley crew, dirty rags for clothes and all bent heads and fake submission.

Written for kinkme_merlin prompt: Arthur/Merlin. Uther periodically sends his knights to takeover bordering unprotected land. On one such outing, Arthur attacks Ealdor and claims Merlin for his piece of the loot. Cute/blushing!Merlin.

Prompt: Arthur/Merlin. Uther periodically sends his knights to takeover bordering unprotected land. On one such outing, Arthur attacks Ealdor and claims Merlin for his piece of the loot.

Written for kinkme_merlin prompt: Arthur/Merlin. Uther periodically sends his knights to takeover bordering unprotected land. On one such outing, Arthur attacks Ealdor and claims Merlin for his piece of the loot.

Athur conquers Ealdor and meets Merlin. Takes Merlin. And in the end, all is well.

This site collects pompus tweets, and allows users to rate which tweets are the most self centered / pompus.

my cleaning lady a raise today, even though she didn't ask, as my own little contribution to fighting

Thanks Cormier!

JavaDOC

funny. how to deal with an overzealous apartment manager

It's funny because it's true.

Gods, I love it when Anil gets bitchy.

Hilarious satirical prediction about what’s going to happy when Facebook releases vanity URLs this weekend.

"This is a collection of e-mails I have sent to people who post classified ads. My goal is to mess with them, confuse them, and/or piss them off. These are the ones that succeeded"

Funny emails

Funny people on Twitter

One thing I enjoy on Twitter: funny people.

ore than 90 comedians on Twitter that are all worth a follow. Included are some very famous comics and generally funny people, a bunch of stand-up performers, some comedy and humor writers, and plenty of comedic actors. The one thing they all have in common is that they’re definitely LOL-worthy.

Australia supplies about 50% of the world's legally-grown opium used to make morphine and other painkillers. "The one interesting bit that I found recently in one of my briefs on the poppy industry was that we have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles," Lara Giddings told the hearing. "Then they crash," she added. "We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high."

file under "you couldn't make this up" dept ...

Australian wallabies are eating opium poppies and creating crop circles as they hop around "as high as a kite", a government official has said. Lara Giddings, the attorney general for the island state of Tasmania, said the kangaroo-like marsupials were getting into poppy fields grown for medicine. She was reporting to a parliamentary hearing on security for poppy crops. Australia supplies about 50% of the world's legally-grown opium used to make morphine and other painkillers. "The one interesting bit that I found recently in one of my briefs on the poppy industry was that we have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles," [Giddings said]. "Then they crash...We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high"....Retired Tasmanian poppy farmer Lyndley Chopping also said he had seen strange behaviour from wallabies in his fields. "They would just [eat some poppies and] do their circle work in the paddock."

"Australian wallabies are eating opium poppies and creating crop circles as they hop around "as high as a kite", a government official has said." Or is it biomimicry in reverse?

wow...the girl on the top really does not move.

http://tinyurl.com/d5zpsk People who look the same in all photos. Funny!! [from http://twitter.com/alexisnbrown/statuses/1591242615]

People who look exactly the same in all pictures http://bit.ly/renKY [from http://twitter.com/anasqtiesh/statuses/1570335339]

Real articles. Funny subjects.

I know you (used?) to read bad fan-fic. This is a very-very condensed run-down of the recent Star Trek movie, delivered in one-liners. And pretty damned funny. :^)

Laugh-out-loud take on the film. Brilliant from start to finish. To wit: Never go in against a Vulcan when kink is on the line.

A parody of the newest Star Trek movie, by Sarah Rees Brennan. (aka Mistful in the HP fandom) Mentions of Kirk/Spock, kinda.

SPOCK: You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. Never go in against a Vulcan when kink is on the line.

'KIRK: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the screams of 'I'm fabulous! I'm fabulous!' IN MY OWN HEAD.'

UHURA: I seem not to be assigned to the Enterprise. Please correct this error. SPOCK: Well, I didn't... UHURA: You know my qualifications. MA in advanced linguistics. PhD in badass. SPOCK: So I'll just be correcting that error, then. UHURA: That's what I thought. SPOCK: It is a perfectly logical decision on my part to be totally whipped.

new Star Trek (2009) movie parody

History, the C family of languages

salar de uyuni!

This is the fourth installment of our series where we prove that sometimes, real life is stranger than Photoshop. So enjoy our continuing chronicle of jaw-dropping pics that make you shout "FAKE!" the moment you see them, but in fact are not. Even if, in some cases, we really wish they were ...

Hilarious!!!

Worth a look

"I thought the idea of being a futurist was cool, so I ended up working in marketing in new york city as a "strategist" at an agency, but now I like to call myself a creative engineer. I have a huge crush on culture, an interest in people, and a love for social media. While eating a burger today (7.8.11) , I started to laugh at the idea of urban scavenger hunts. I mean, really? For what? Then I was like, you know what, marketing people LOVEEE that shit! - Heron Preston"

Hee hee.

I thought the idea of being a futurist was cool, so I ended up working in marketing in new york city as a "strategist" at an agency, but now I like to call myself a creative engineer. I have a huge crush on culture, an interest in people, and a love for social media. While eating a burger today (7.8.11) , I started to laugh at the idea of urban scavenger hunts. I mean, really? For what? Then I was like, you know what, marketing people LOVEEE that shit! - Heron Preston

After years of observation and reverse engineering I am proud to say I have been able to reproduce the IE6 algorithm to break even the most standards-compliant websites. IE6ify!

So sad but oh so true. A great way to explain to a client why IE6 shouldn't be catered for.

After years of observation and reverse engineering I am proud to say I have been able to reproduce the IE6 algorithm to break even the most standards-compliant websites.

People be crazy.

Find Equilibrium

Start with an English phrase: this day will live in infamy let's go! this day will live in infamy into Japaneseこの日、汚名に住んでいるだろう back into English This day will live in infamy back into Japanese この日は汚名に住んでいるだろう back into English This day will live in infamy

Cool translation tool that often leads to interesting results in the end.

I'll save the explanation and let you figure it out for yourself, but everybody's doing it, and you should be doing it too.

translate a phrase to japanese and back until equilibrium is reached

Start with an English phrase: ... Find equilibrium.

quite excellent

Potential models for zombie outbreaks.

PDF

Zombies are a popular figure in pop culture/entertainment and they are usually portrayed as being brought about through an outbreak or epidemic. Consequently, we model a zombie attack, using biological assumptions based on popular zombie movies. We introduce a basic model for zombie infection, determine equilibria and their stability, and illustrate the outcome with numerical solutions. We then refine the model to introduce a latent period of zombification, whereby humans are infected, but not infectious, before becoming undead. We then modify the model to include the effects of possible quarantine or a cure. Finally, we examine the impact of regular, impulsive reductions in the number of zombies and derive conditions under which eradication can occur. We show that only quick, aggressive attacks can stave off the doomsday scenario: the collapse of society as zombies overtake us all.

Wyom

Simply Complicated Apparel

math humor

When a guy goes into the bathroom, which urinal does he pick? Most guys are familiar with the International Choice of Urinal Protocol. It’s discussed at length elsewhere, but the basic premise is that the first guy picks an end urinal, and every subsequent guy chooses the urinal which puts him furthest from anyone else peeing. At least one buffer urinal is required between any two guys or Awkwardness ensues.

Science ponders 'zombie attack'

If zombies actually existed, an attack by them would lead to the collapse of civilisation unless dealt with quickly and aggressively.

If zombies actually existed, an attack by them would lead to the collapse of civilisation unless dealt with quickly and aggressively. That is the conclusion of a mathematical exercise carried out by researchers in Canada. They say only frequent counter-attacks with increasing force would eradicate the fictional creatures. The scientific paper is published in a book - Infectious Diseases Modelling Research Progress. In books, films, video games and folklore, zombies are undead creatures, able to turn the living into other zombies with a bite. But there is a serious side to the work. In some respects, a zombie "plague" resembles a lethal, rapidly spreading infection. The researchers say the exercise could help scientists model the spread of unfamiliar diseases through human populations.

my favorite part is when they have to explain that the one prof put a '?' in his legal name.

humour - lessonplans

A company that .

Humorous lesson plans for every level

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have somewhere between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.

[en] ... ils recevraient un descriptif aussi précis que celui-ci!

Old but so true...

If Architects Had to Work Like Web Designers

"Help to make sense of the Daily Mail’s ongoing effort to classify every inanimate object into those that cause cancer and those that prevent it."

Help to make sense of the Daily Mail’s ongoing effort to classify every inanimate object into those that cause cancer and those that prevent it.

Things the Daily Mail says cause cancer - via Adam Cherry

Help to make sense of the Daily Mail’s ongoing effort to classify every inanimate object into those that cause cancer and those that prevent it

Men and women have very different ways of arguing. So, in a better effort to help couples understand each other (which, really, is what we're all about here at Maxim), we decided to break down the thought process of both a man and woman, during an argument.

Sometimes it's hard to understand where your boyfriend or girlfriend is coming from in an argument, and why they're saying what they're saying.  Let us be your guide on this journey...

Sometimes it's hard to understand where your boyfriend or girlfriend is coming from in an argument, and why they're saying what they're saying. Let us be your guide on this journey...

Summary: “If you were hypothetically me and I were hypothetically courting Colin, what would you—and by you I mean me—do to win his heart and make him let you carry him off into the French sunset for a lifetime of sweetsweet lovemaking?” said Bradley. |__| JC Chavez. He is this generation's shakespeare for real

“Yes, but you have magnificent breasts that make people do what you say. I need a plan that doesn’t involve your hypnotic knockers,” said Bradley.

“If you were hypothetically me and I were hypothetically courting Colin, what would you—and by you I mean me—do to win his heart and make him let you carry him off into the French sunset for a lifetime of sweetsweet lovemaking?” said Bradley. Bradley/Colin

Bradley goes to ridiculous lengths, which include stalking and 90's karaoke, to win Colin's affections.

Bradley/Colin, PG-13. “If you were hypothetically me and I were hypothetically courting Colin, what would you—and by you I mean me—do to win his heart and make him let you carry him off into the French sunset for a lifetime of sweetsweet lovemaking?” said Bradley.

“If you were hypothetically me and I were hypothetically courting Colin, what would you—and by you I mean me—do to win his heart and make him let you carry him off into the French sunset for a lifetime of sweetsweet lovemaking?” said Bradley. HAHAHAHA.

Usually the whole real people in fics thing freaks me out, but this one touched my heart somehow and I found myself liking it a lot.

“If you were hypothetically me and I were hypothetically courting Colin, what would you—and by you I mean me—do to win his heart and make him let you carry him off into the French sunset for a lifetime of sweetsweet lovemaking?” said Bradley.

The Lost Symbol, the latest novel by The Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown, has gone on sale. We pick 20 of the clumsiest phrases from it and from his earlier works. - The critics are certainly harsh. Edinburgh professor of linguistics Geoffrey Pullum says “Brown's writing is not just bad; it is staggeringly, clumsily, thoughtlessly, almost ingeniously bad.” He picks out some excerpts for special criticism. The female lead in Angels and Demons learns of the death of her scientist father: “Genius, she thought. My father . . . Dad. Dead.” A member of the Vatican Guard in the same book becomes annoyed by something, and we learn that "his eyes went white, like a shark about to attack."

Dan Brown's 20 worst sentences

Famously, comedian Stewart Lee mocked him for using the sentence “The famous man looked at the red cup” in his bestselling The Da Vinci Code.

Turned my life around.

Great advice for anyone who needs to be more productive.

You should be working.

hatred

I know Windows is awful. Everyone knows Windows is awful. Windows is like the faint smell of piss in a subway: it's there, and there's nothing you can do about it.

windows vs osx

Windows works for me. But I'd never recommend it to anybody else, ever.

(via FakeSteve)

Reading: Top 10 Funniest Google Suggest Results: http://bit.ly/UYOtq [from http://twitter.com/nickdaws/statuses/3251389837]

HAHA. LOVE it.

Beware What You Share

sistema che ti permette di scegliere le parole e poi il politico le pronuncia. componi la frase e lui la dice.

UK Prime Ministerial candidates say (almost) anything

funny cos it's true

The New Yorker

Remarkably challenging: http://www.steakhouseorgaybar.com/ [from http://twitter.com/notmike/statuses/5453313013]

statistically i should have done about twice as well

(via megazord)

Gæt på navnet om det er den ene eller den anden slags etablissement. Herligt!

wykres zrobiony z piosenki beatelsów

Hey Jude Flowchart

genius

If you parse HTML with regex you are giving in to Them and their blasphemous ways which doom us all to inhuman toil for the One whose Name cannot be expressed in the Basic Multilingual Plane, he comes. HTML-plus-regexp will liquify the n​erves of the sentient whilst you observe, your psyche withering in the onslaught of horror.

Heh. "The only moral of this story is that you should never attempt to parse HTML with a regular expression, but there are some occasions when it is unavoidable".

Transmogrify your name into an all-mighty position title spawned of thunder and inscribed in hell. Arrrr!

name names flash

Turn gold into cats? lol I'd do this. X3

catsforgold

"It was the winter after Merlin's disappearance that Arthur first noticed the falcon."

It was the winter after Merlin's disappearance that Arthur first noticed the falcon.

It was the winter after Merlin's disappearance that Arthur first noticed the falcon. This is such a heartwarming fic, I love how Merlin is still so essentially himself, even in bird form :)

Summary: It was the winter after Merlin's disappearance that Arthur first noticed the falcon.

in which merlin disappears and everyone discovers that arthur is a softie for birds.

PG, Merlin/Arthur. 2700 words. It was the winter after Merlin's disappearance that Arthur first noticed the falcon.

Luke, a stormtrooper, General Veers, Han Solo among others

As a person in a service based industry, this email thread is something that you fantasize about from time to time, but never have the balls to actually do.

"Please design a logo for me. With pie charts. For free."

Oh I have fantasized about exchanges like this.

The reason behind Swine Flu outbreak uncovered! http://imgur.com/27K39.jpg [from http://twitter.com/anasqtiesh/statuses/1640223480]

RT @silveira you little bastard. you've killed us all http://imgur.com/27K39.jpg [from http://twitter.com/rssbrasilblog/statuses/1638109612]

Content Type: image/jpeg, encoding: gzip

DarkHalf|work

A few weeks ago I had the miserable experience of reading Twilight. A friend bought it for me and I took it with me to read on a long flight from Seattle to Houston. I knew it was going to be crappy, but I thought it would be a guilty pleasure kind of crappy - where you know it's bad but you still get enjoyment out of it. I actually managed to power through around 400 pages until I gave up and started reading Sky Mall. I've been seeing Twilight everywhere lately, especially with Vampire Teens II New Moon's release, so I thought I'd break down why chicks go apeshit for it.

"If you're male and you like Twilight, you're gay. I don't mean that in the derogatory sense, I mean it in the "you want to put your testicles against another man's testicles while gripping handfuls of chesthair" kind of way." /via @seldo

"If you're male and you like Twilight, you're gay. I don't mean that in the derogatory sense, I mean it in the 'you want to put your testicles against another man's testicles while gripping handfuls of chesthair' kind of way."

Be prepared to fire your client

source:stumbleupon kwd:funny

Seb raised his hand during maths class and asked "If Kate (a large girl in his class) did not eat for five weeks, would she get skinny or die?"

"If I am standing on carpet and I get electrocuted, does everybody in the room die apart from me?"

Need to read all these little stories. Too funny.

Explaining the Playstation game Grand Theft Auto 4 to his grandmother "I don't shoot everybody, just the drug dealers and hookers."

From sceptic to Twitter junky in 46 steps

1. Hear the word Twitter. Scoff. 2. Hear it again from someone else. Scoff again. 3. Hear about famous celebrity who is apparently "On Twitter." Scoff, but make mental note to check it out. 4. Log into Facebook to comfort self. 5. Sign up for Twitter. 6. Give up because it seems dumb. 7. Loudly criticize others on Twitter. 8. Follow @johncmayer, @aplusk, @rainnwilson, @wilw, @mrskutcher, @oprah, and one other person you actually know. 9. Post tweet that is a variant of: "Trying out this Twitter thing." 10. Attempt to dig a little deeper into Twitter. 11. Notice rampant usage...

hysterical.

The 46 Stages of Twitter

"36. Alienate actual people in your life in an attempt to impress ones you don't know."

Great idea this.

children is called The Greatest Blogg

Have you lost your camera recently? Mislaid it somewhere in a national park? Left it in a taxi? Dropped it in the gorilla pit? Anyone can be a victim of the thoughtlessness and/or sleepiness that can lead to Camera Loss.

אם משחקים היו יותר קרובים למציאות - קורע מצחוק: http://bit.ly/16EkQS [from http://twitter.com/talgalili/statuses/4051825453]

A little realism would make some games way more awesome. Others, not so much. We asked you to show us what would happen if video game makers started adding a little realism to their games. The winner is below, but first the runners up.

If you have some geek gamer referencies, you'll enjoy that!

Yeah, what if? :P

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.

Excellent math joke.

Un site qui fait dans le gif animé... Enfin pas toujours de très bon goût mais cela peut servir.

Weird Book Room

i own one of these!

Numerisk kluss

Posted by precision

Funny as fuck quotes.

"I can't control the kittens. Too many whiskers! Too many whiskers!"

Man talks in his sleep, wife blogs it.

Nuanced, Ambivalent, or Guarded Stickers

Nuanced, Ambivalent, or Guarded Stickers: Products:

combining vision and sound to perceive a concept

You be the judge!

via digg...

what's he sayinggggg????

  As you probably already know, Jesus is a pretty popular guy. He's so popular, in fact, that he's inspired people from all walks of life to create their very own versions of the Son of God that somehow take him to another level. Here are 40 of

Seriously awesome.

http://picturesforsadchildren.com/blog/famous.png

RT @unclebobmartin: RT @ipreuss: breaking news: http://picturesforsadchildren.com/blog/famous.png [from http://twitter.com/pavsaund/statuses/2386607511]

passt irgendwie gerade zum aktuellen tv-geschehen....

Who'd work in rolling news, eh?

<grelli> bwahahaha: http://picturesforsadchildren.com/blog/famous.png

"People have gathered where we are pointing our cameras."

Awesome stuff

so this is one of my FAVORITE BOOKS OF ALL TIME!! and now lots of the stories are up right here :D :D :D

From "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!", the kind of advice that saves you a lifetime of figuring it out by yourself

hey're not going to give you a goddamn thing; I'm not going to be a gentleman to such worthless bitches, and so on. I learned it till it was automatic.

Excellent!

Charlie Brooker - How To Report The News

Charlie Brooker for PM!!Wow, 173,000 views in under 36 hours, cheers everyone!!Now I feel I must add the obligitory copyright notices in the hope that the BB...

Hahaha, "Why did you choose a liberal-arts degree when your entire family urged you to go into finance?"

- - - - What is your mother's maiden name? What is your older sister's favorite Monopoly game piece? Who did your paternal grandfather vote for in the 1956 presidential election? Why did you choose a liberal-arts degree when your entire family urged you to go into finance? In what year did you begin working on your novel? How many weeks away was graduation when you dropped out of college? What was your score on the civil-service employment exam? Where were you sitting when your girlfriend told you she was pregnant? Where did you never end up going for your honeymoon? In what year did you begin working for the post office? What is the name of the hedge-fund manager your ex-wife married? How many hours did it take you to drink that bottle of Jack Daniel's yesterday? What time was it when, in a drunken rage, you threw your novel into the fire? If you could do it all over again, what would you do differently?

I think some of these might actually be in use!

Some Answers: Front Door, 4, 1999, Rome, 2014, 8:22

"Why did you choose a liberal-arts degree when your entire family urged you to go into finance?"

ha

great remix

i was just looking at the lights.

To download an MP3 of THIS AND theNEW EXTENDED club mix, go here:::http://www.revolucian.com/BaleOut-Download.htmlRuPaul's new album &quot;Champion&quot; is ...

February 02, 2009

Erik Naggum on XML

"Robbery is not just another way of making a living, rape is not just another way of satisfying basic human needs, torture is not just another way of interrogation. And XML is not just another way of writing S-exps. "

Comic

I'm sick of people quoting the bible in an argument against gay marriage. It's bullshit.

11 Things The Bible Bans, But You Do Anyway

I just realized that I know nothing about website design http://www.norcalis.com/

Beautiful website for inspiration

Awesome! (via Neatorama?)

WORDS: 2758 A chronological list compiled by First Officer Spock.

as the title says

Of course Spock would compile a list of t hings Jim's allowed to do, cause list are tp Spock as pushing boundaries are to Jim.

exactly what it sounds like

1- he is allowed to initiate a kiss on the mouth.

It was a sudden move - illogical and unpredictable, as it always was. He had gone to the captain's quarters without knowing what he was getting himself into, apparently, and while he had only expected to have a little companionship in his suddenly-empty evenings, he did not expect this. Star Trek Reboot, Kirk/Spock. R.

12- he is allowed to speak of illogical, unimportant matters, on the condition that he does not expect and will not receive a response. he is not, however, allowed to attempt to produce musical sounds using his vocal chords. this activity will always result in his untimely expurgation from the first officer's quarters, or even his own.

See title. XD

What it says on the label.

In relation to this fic, because someone asked for a list and I had way too much fun thinking about it. Also, jesuschrist fluff. I am full of sap. Sequel to Spiccato

In relation to "Spiccato"

Mmmmm… Bacon

@CaliLewis - The moment I saw this I immediately thought of you and Neal - bacon lover's rejoice! http://bit.ly/1VuyqR [from http://twitter.com/Zig7/statuses/1431687174]

http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/squeez-bacon.html

Richard Feynman

"Why are manhole covers round" is one of the eternal questions in job interviews, and so it seems to be at Microsoft. The desired and politically correct answer to the question is: "Manhole covers are round because round is the only shape that can never fall into the manhole and hurt someone (with the hole of the same shape, but slightly smaller size than the cover)". And the answer is wrong. Let's ask Mr Feynman:

its her job

alphabet

Unreality - The Most Badass Alphabet Ever | http://ff.im/-ibWKM

Awesome alphabet! Just look at entry "J" to be convinced.

Hug a developer today - http://bit.ly/Lo0IU [from http://twitter.com/nick_b/statuses/3143519063]

From your developer with love

Posted by iCEBrkr

Content on this page requires a newer version of Adobe Flash Player. Get Adobe Flash player

Funny

Una critica excelente sobre las pelis de Michael Bay.

I love this review of T:RotF(L). It's mostly how I felt about the first one. I don't understand how people who claim to care about the Transformers aren't outside Bay's house, pitchforks-and-torches angry about this tragic wasted opportunity.

Im reading awesomely funny transformer 2 reviews here http://tinyurl.com/ml7fvq and here http://tinyurl.com/lgeccr [from http://twitter.com/madguy000/statuses/2386018884]

this review is amazing: http://io9.com/5301898/michael-bay-finally-made-an-art-movie?skyline=true&s=i

This is the greatest film review I have ever read.

The greatest movie review ever.

On

Now it finally makes sense.

"show this guy then cut back to these two"

Ha, Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays: http://j.mp/9wI13t

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. -- BEST EVER.

bad bad bad awesome!

We're not all "Jesus Freaks" who run around screaming about how everyone should "Judge not lest ye be judged," whine "Blessed are the meek" all the time, or drone on and on about how we're all equal in the eyes of God! Some of us are just trying to be good, honest folks who believe the unbaptized will roam the Earth for ages without the comfort of God's love when Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior returns on Judgment Day to whisk the righteous off to heaven.

Ha.

Everybody has this image of "crazy Christians" based on what they hear in the media, but it's just not true. Most Christians are normal, decent folks. We don't all blindly follow a bunch of outdated biblical tenets or go all fanatical about every bit of dogma. What I'm trying to say is, don't let the actions of a vocal few color your perceptions about what the majority of us are like.

The Onion

exactly

No, really. It's true. The Onion wouldn't lie about these matters.

"The president seems to be someplace else lately," said one high-level official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Yesterday we were all being briefed on the encroachment of Iranian drone planes into Iraq, when he just looked up from the table and blurted out, 'What am I supposed to watch on Fridays at 10 p.m. now? Numb3rs?'" "I haven't seen him this upset since Admiral Adama realized that Earth was actually an uninhabitable wasteland," the official continued . . .

Obama watched the finale just as he had every previous episode, alone in the White House screening room with the volume turned all the way up.

"I haven't seen him this upset since Admiral Adama realized that Earth was actually an uninhabitable wasteland," the official continued.

WASHINGTON—What am I supposed to watch on Fridays at 10 p.m. now? Numb3rs? blurted out a distraught Obama, in the middle of a briefing on Iranian drone planes.

A funny mid-20th century newsreel featuring amazingly accurate predictions of the year 2000:

Excellent sendup of mid-20th century technocratic utopianism / futurism (a la GM at 1939 world's fair). Via Steve Duncombe's collection

Via Ben Goldacre

Nice page about the use of humor within education

How to be funny. By Microsoft. http://www.microsoft.com/education/competencies/humor.mspx (via Tweep whose name I forgot) #fb

I'm pretty sure this is not ironic: corporate education on humour, including a grading system and ideas for professional development.

I discovered that you'd never get an answer to a problem from Linux Gurus by asking. You have to troll in order for someone to help you with a Linux problem. <dm> For example, I didn't know how to find files by contents and the man pages were way too confusing. What did I do? I knew from experience that if I just asked, I'd be told to read the man pages even though it was too hard for me. <dm> Instead, I did what works. Trolling. By stating that Linux sucked because it was so hard to find a file compared to Windows, I got every self-described Linux Guru around the world coming to my aid. They gave me examples after examples of different ways to do it. All this in order to prove to everyone that Linux was better.

How to get the Linux gurus to help you.

RT @fdebailleul: RT @olivierl: Le Top 10 des relous sur Twitter - http://bit.ly/771up MAXI LOL MT @BinaryJuice @gonzague via @rob1p

LOL RT @gonzague: Le Top 10 des relous sur Twitter - http://bit.ly/771up via @rob1p

RT @AlexxCom: RT @henrymichel - Le top ten des relous sur Twitter - Excellent !! #twitter http://bit.ly/CFSYi

Funny one. RT @thekitchenfr: Bien vu. Le top 10 des reloos sur twitter : http://www.henrymichel.com/humour/top10-relous-twitter/

Le top 10 des relous sur twitter http://dld.bz/b5yw Perso, j'assume ! – Emilie Ogez (eogez) http://twitter.com/eogez/statuses/12992478078

RT @gonzague: Le Top 10 des relous sur Twitter - http://bit.ly/771up via @rob1p

It's an advertisers job to display their products in a way that makes it seem like you can't live without them. But we decided we'd show you what they'd

10 Awesome Ads (For Traumatizing Children). Chocolate Axe Nightmare!

10 Awesome Ads (For Traumatizing Children) | Cracked.com

lots of fun

Extremist material of any kind always looks gaudy and cheap, like a bad pizza menu. Not because they can't afford decent computers - these days you can knock up a professional CD cover on a pay-as-you-go mobile - but because anyone who's good at graphic design is likely to be a thoughtful, inquisitive sort by nature. And thoughtful, inquisitive sorts tend to think fascism is a bit shit, to be honest. If the BNP really were the greatest British party, they'd have the greatest British designer working for them - Jonathan Ive, perhaps, the man who designed the iPod. But they don't. They've got someone who tries to stab your eyes out with primary colours.

Charlie Brooker: For the BNP to claim to be more British than the other British parties is as nonsensical as your dad suddenly claiming to have invented the beard

"Don't vote for those nasty slick parties. Vote for a shoddy one! Never mind the extremism, feel the ineptitude"

The BNP represents Britain's workers? They don't even represent basic British craftsmanship

Charlie Brooker skewers the BNP

For the BNP to claim to be more British than the other British parties is as nonsensical as your dad suddenly claiming to have invented the beard.

Extremist material of any kind always looks gaudy and cheap, like a bad pizza menu. Not because they can't afford decent computers - these days you can knock up a professional CD cover on a pay-as-you-go mobile - but because anyone who's good at graphic design is likely to be a thoughtful, inquisitive sort by nature. And thoughtful, inquisitive sorts tend to think fascism is a bit shit, to be honest.

RT @eliza: Charlie Brooker on the BNP http://bit.ly/4fKf2O Bunch of wankers. [from http://twitter.com/standardman/statuses/1835238421]

Lovely piece

OMG FUNNY

The tumblelog of Garrett Murray.

A ton of funny Photoshop CS4 crash reports.

It started dying so often that he got REALLY creative with his crash descriptions.

""At one point, around noon, I started hallucinating. I suddenly found myself in an alterate [sp] universe...it was insane. The oceans were purple, we used Converse sneakers as currency, and Photoshop never crashed. Then I snapped back and saw this dialogue.""

Cummingtonite

RT @Cocoia: You can't really make up mineral names like these: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cummingtonite

"Monoclinic cummingtonite is compositionally similar and polymorphic with orthorhombic anthophyllite, which is a much more common form of magnesium-rich amphibole, the latter being metastable"

Your favorite Facebook meme is older than anyone guessed! Here it is, something I just dug up at the library: the First Folio edition of... Wm. Shakespeare's Five and Twenty Random Things Abovt Me

Wm. Shakespeare's Five and Twenty Random Things Abovt Me

College basketball halftime show with the human slinky

Best half time show I've seen in Year's this is called the Human Slinky and this video was done during a halftime show at a Basketball game at Creighton University in Omaha, NE. If you haven't seen it yet you have got to check it out...at the end you still say how did they.....

(BBC)

Justin Case, Barb Dwyer and Stan Still. It sounds like a bad joke, but a study has revealed that there really are unfortunate people with those names in the UK. Joining them on the list are Terry Bull, Paige Turner, Mary Christmas and Anna Sasin. And just imagine having to introduce yourself to a crowd as Doug Hole or Hazel Nutt.

Stan Still,

comedy names

People hate plot holes in movies. At least, that's what they'll tell you. But sometimes, if a movie is awesome enough, people will overlook even the most retarded gaps in reason and logic.

8 Classic Movies That Got Away With Gaping Plot Holes | Cracked.com

Now you know why "No country for old men" was set in the past...

This is an update to an old series of jokes about computer languages being like cars. I've added some more modern languages to the list.

Assembly Language: you are the car.

And now, cars instead of religion. I'm beginning to be tired of the lies and misinformation spread about Perl; totally wrong!

and not just because I was a gmail early adopter

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1936291

photographed coffee table book of children's sofa forts?

from Build Blog.

Laughing at: ""yeah thats not what I was looking for at all."" ( http://bit.ly/azLpiD )

Hilarious email thread about missing cat poster

Like dontevenreply.com

RT @Anniemole: Don't ask a designer who doesn't like cats to make a 'lost cat' poster http://bit.ly/ceU5GN I cried LOL'ing via @b3ta_links

Exclusive matchmaking site for Apple lovers.

Introducing Cupidtino - die Partner-Börse für Apple Fanboys und Fangirls http://bit.ly/coEHwG #muahaha #lol

Please ignore this bookmark. ;)

Bizarra red social para encontrar tu pareja maquera.

Well I WAS looking forward to our 10th wedding anniversary. Now it seems I may be able to do better: http://cupidtino.com/